Would you like to be an even more effective communicator?
Do you ever get caught up in miscommunication that leaves you feeling frustrated or made to feel guilty when you're not? Maybe you are not able to say what you need to say because the other person is speaking over you or is totally uninterested in what you've got to say? Perhaps you walk away uncomfortable because you've been misunderstood? Or what if in your head you've said everything so clearly but the other person has potentially completely got the wrong end of the stick?
What if you could communicate clearly without getting yourself in a twist? Can you even imagine gliding through the tumultuous stressful cross-fire war-zone of communication unscathed? Miscommunication is in my personal experience the biggest cause for upset, stress and I'll even go as far as to say heartbreak.
These un-constructive communications can happen over email, text, social media, phone, zoom or in person and can be a huge cause of stress because they potentially are coming from a stressed place in the first instance.
I've often fantasised about this possibility myself and present to you here the three communication styles that are least constructive so that you can understand them and have the emotional, intellectual and strategic advantage! How would you like that?
The fight-flight-freeze response is understood as the body’s natural reaction to threat, stress or danger which have relative communication styles that attack, defend or don’t respond at all.
Take a moment to feel this, when you experience a stressor, your body goes into a red-alert state in order to face it. The fight-or-flight is the response that operates when you want to fight the stress or run away from it.
In your body, your heart increases as does oxygen flow to your main muscles. In this state, your physical pain perception drops and your hearing sharpens in order to prepare you for instant action. Imagine a cat about to POUNCE! It’s like this.
What about the third element of freeze? Freezing is fight-or-flight on hold. It’s also called reactive immobility or attentive immobility. It involves similar physiological changes, but instead, you stay completely still and get ready for the next move. Another reason for freezing in nature is when an animal is 'caught out' and freezes so that it cannot be seen. The logic behind this is that if it moves, it will be more visible and then more of a target, so freezing offers more protection.
Fight-flight-freeze are not conscious choices. They are more automatic reactions that happen in your body in response to danger or the perception of it which can also be stress. But what has this got to do with communication styles?
I assert that there is a direct connection between fight flight and freeze and un-constructive communication styles.
1. Fight.
If there is a stress you fight it.
This translates into a dominant communication style.
Visualise barging into a situation and being a bull in a china shop. The one with the loudest voice or cleverest argument wins. This is an alpha conflict, survival of the fittest (or gobbiest*)
What does it feel to be on the other end of a dominant communication style?
YOU CAN’T GET A WORD IN EDGEWAYS!
You feel like you’re being talked at but not listened to.
Ever felt like that?
2. Flight
If there is a stress you defend yourself against it.
This translates as defensive communication style.
Visualise a person stepping away from you with a shield and then speaking through their shield. The one with the most defences or excuses wins. This is a submissive conflict because the person is playing the role of a weaker position by being defensive and fighting off the other communication.
What does it feel to be on the other end of a defensive communication style?
YOU GET FED A LONG LIST OF EXCUSES WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY!
You feel like you’re being enrolled into feeling really sorry for them because they’ve given you so many reasons as to why they did or didn’t do or say what they did.
Have you ever experienced this?
3. Freeze
If there is a stress, you freeze and do nothing and hope it goes away.
This translates into an evasive communication style.
Visualise a person crossing the road when they see you to avoid you.
The one that ignores or bypasses wins. This is an invisible conflict because it looks like nothing is happening — but it is.
What does it feel to be on the other end of an evasive communication style?
YOU NEVER GET A RESPONSE OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!
You feel like you’re being ignored, avoided and not important and if you do get a response it’s usually, “oh no i’ve just been super busy I’ve been meaning to get back to you”.
How does this make you feel?
What if these 3 communication mistakes help to to understand communication under stress? In the coming weeks I will go into each one and offer a deep dive view on what it is, why it’s like that and how to bee free of it — unless that is you prefer to communicate from a stressed response? I don’t know, only you know that.
Just to be clear, my work is not for everyone. The perspectives I offer are about showing up what is hiding and not visible. By shining a big bright light onto it you can see what’s going on under the surface and gain an intellectual advantage over it.
Un-constructive communication patterns such as the three I’ve detailed above can be understood as wearing a coat over something that is underneath that is more real, more true and more authentic.
And this can be challenging and potentially confrontational.
For example, I find it uncomfortable when I have to face something that’s crap about myself and admit, ‘okay this is not my most helpful trait or way of doing stuff so I’ll really look at that and evaluate what I really want to create instead.’
Do you get what I mean? That’s not where most people I observe ever really want to go. In my experience most people (and yes I am generalising now so please prove me wrong) want to hide and pretend everything is fine and all good.
But is it?
Is it ever?
It’s not for me.
Let me be clear, there is an impending lockdown, more variants, more fear, more control being imposed onto people as to how they live and work. Is this stressful to you? It is to me.
So what’s my point?
That within this environment of heightened stress, fear and threat, how can you communicate not from stress but instead from your authentic self and personal power in a way that respects you and others more than ever before?
How can you be the change you wish to see?
It’s easy, it begins with communicating clearly. What if having a communication strategy was the missing piece that gets you from un-constructive communication to clear communication where everyone wins? Visualise yourself having a roadmap for any possible eventuality...
>> To find out more about this download your free communication guide The Three Communication Mistakes so that you have the strategic advantage to avoid falling down those same miscommunication misunderstanding and misinterpretation holes and into clarity.
Footnotes * Gobbiest is British slang for a person with a loud mouth (gob).